i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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