you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
