When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
