i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
