just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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