How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
