capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
