I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
