We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The uberlube is also flammable
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
