Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
