Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i love accidental penises.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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