she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
