my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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