I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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