mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
