I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
