I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
