hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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