I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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