So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
as a side note pls kill me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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