what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
