yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
