i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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