THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
