i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
now i know why i became what i already was.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
