I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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