2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
