hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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