I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
