grandma shit on top of the toilet
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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