all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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