So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
