I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
should my penis look like a turkey
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
