My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
