Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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