I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So apparently I’m into choking now
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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