I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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