I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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