I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
