Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
