I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
