remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
