You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
