the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I will be naked everywhere
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
