I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
