my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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