if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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