I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
