I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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