I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
