you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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